So today was one of those days where I’m uncharacteristically emotional. I hate that, because I’ve always had the mentality that crying is a sign of weakness, that emotions in general are a sign of weakness. Only in myself, though, because when other people show how they feel I think it’s pretty cool – they’re proving themselves to be alive and human and real. When it’s me, however, I hate it. As does everyone, I think.

I have exams next week, that I’m oh-so ridiculously stressed about, that don’t even really count for anything and result in grades that won’t ever make it to any official records. Because of that worry, however, I haven’t been sleeping properly and I’ve pretty much stopped eating. It’s been like this for about four days, and I feel so awful. I don’t want to go back to how I used to be, and yet all these food-related thoughts powered by extreme sleep deprivation have infiltrated my mind, or at least become more noticeable than usual.

All of that anxiety has then made it horribly easy for other unwelcome, supressed thoughts to make themselves known (again): your boyfriend doesn’t really like you; your boyfriend’s friends hate you; your boyfriend doesn’t love you (and here come all the reasons why); your friends are only there because they pity you; your grades are slipping and your school will reassess your scholarship and kick you out… I could go on but I think at this point the list would go on for far too many pages.

I should note that I know that a few of these things aren’t actually true, but on days like this the rational side of my mind manages to disappear for a few hours and leave me alone with the other side, the one that mocks and taunts and points out everything that is, and could possinly be, wrong.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that on days like this I hurt the people closest to me, and it’s true; my lovely boyfriend who I like and love and care about so much, who is also the kindest, most thoughtful, funniest and most cleverly intelligent person I’ve ever met, saw me on the stairs at the end of the day, a few very short minutes after I’d ended up crying into my friend’s shoulder in the toilets, gave me a hug and goodbye kiss and I was so close to crying again so I turned away and hot-footed it down the stairs. He laughed from behind me, at what I have no idea, but I’m so terrified that I hurt him and that was a laugh of incredulity at my awfulness. He’s honestly so amazing, and I know that if I keep doing this he’s going to leave. I’m so scared about that.

Hastily pushing that painful topic aside, I was also supposed to have dinner at a close family friend’s house this evening. I went round after school and told both them and my mum that I’d had a horrible day so couldn’t stay to eat as I needed to get to my room and calm down. I should mention that a few tears made their hated appearance around about then because, as well as the nastiness of my day, I knew that I was being rude. Something my mum’s just come home and told me in greatly exagerated detail, having left a few hours after me.

The reason I take issue with my mother sometimes is something I should probably mention and explain here; whenever I’m having a day like this, and even when I’m not, one of her seemingly favourite things to do is mimic me, putting on a ridiculous voice and flapping her arms about while twisting the things I say and intentionally making me feel guilty. She’s even admitted to the fact that emotional blackmail is something she knowingly uses on me, which is horrible because she knows exactly how bad that makes me feel.

Anyway, I’m well aware that this post has become something akin to the content found on an angsty teenager’s blog, so I should end it before it gets worse.

I’ll finish by saying that I hope no one else feels like this, but as it’s inevitable that one or a few of you do please feel more than free to leave an emoji in the comments and I’ll find a way to contact you and try and help.

‘A Single Moment In Time’ – Nina

Yesterday was the opening night of my A-Level Art show at a little gallery on the edge of the forest near me. It was beautiful, and pretty amazing to see mine and my class’ pieces hung on the walls of this scenically placed building.

My piece, entitled ‘A Single Moment In Time’, is a copy/ response of a collage piece by David Gores.

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A Single Moment In Time – Memories and events are the ephemera of history; for years they have passed across its stage, barely noticed before they disappear into the darkness, the void of ‘then’. Every moment, however fleeting, lights up some shadowed corner or broad vista of history, illuminating with its intermittent flare of being. This idea is one the artist has explored in this piece through the use of used paper and photographs, capturing a single moment in time through an accumulation of unconnected articles.

 

 

Shadow Boyfriend

‘Ah, wouldn’t a shadow boyfriend be amazing? I mean, a boyfriend made out of shadow who could hold hands and be there forever…’ – my friend, 2016

A shadow boyfriend, you say? So, essentially someone who’s there for you pretty much all the time and will hold your hand and be there, behind you, most every step of the way? Someone who is flexible and solid and dependable… Except when things get dark and they suddenly fade away. Right when you need them most.

I don’t quite fancy that now, do you? Really, though, that shadow boyfriend thing is how a boyfriend, or girlfriend, should be, minus the disappearing act at the end. Shouldn’t your, excuse me, ‘other half’ be there for you through thick and thin, dependable and reliable and there if you need them, and shouldn’t you be there in exactly the same way for them? I think so…

But then haven’t I just described a best friend? Aren’t they someone who ticks all those boxes, and more, and doesn’t ever leave unless you really push them to?

Doesn’t that, therefore, mean that your, again excuse me, ‘significant other’ be your best friend? Of course, I don’t mean for you to run up to your bestie of however long and ask them out, but shouldn’t you have that level of trust with them, that unwavering knowledge that they’re there? I think so.

It’s pretty awful, then, when you don’t have that. I suppose it can work for a while, a relationship built on something other than trust, but I think that depends on how you define ‘relationship’.

For me, my absolute best friend is ridiculous in all meanings of the word, but they’re also my confidente, ‘my rock’, and the person I know really will be there no matter what, because I will be for them too.

A boyfriend, or girlfriend, should be the same, shouldn’t they? All the things a best friend is, but slightly different.

Perhaps, then, your best friend is your soul mate and your boy/ girlfriend is the person you’re more than happy to spend your life with.

I know I’m only 17, but that’s how it seems to me at the moment, possibly because my whole relationship-thing is pretty rocky, even though I think I’m the only one that’s the case for; my best friend is that one who’s there, always, and my boyfriend is too but in a different way… I can’t talk to him about anything and everything, but I can to my bestie. I’m not sure if that means I’m doing something wrong here, because I’ve just written a post on how you should date your best friend, but for me that’s just the way it is. Weird.

Either way, I love them both a stupid amount, and whatever happens I will always be there for them both.

But I think the point of this post wasn’t to highlight the significance of significant others, but instead to say one thing: whatever you do, don’t get yourself a shadow boyfriend. It’s far better to go it alone than to go it with someone who leaves just when you truly need them.