I found out two days ago that someone close to me has cancer. The person who told me is someone I love very much, and the pain their face was the most heartbreaking thing.
I don’t know how to help this person, as they aren’t the person with cancer but are very, very close to that person, much more so than I am.
Cancer terrifies me – I know people who’ve had it and survived, and I know people who’ve had it and are no longer here. It doesn’t give two shits who you are or where you’re from or how loved you are, it just exists and keeps existing. Sometimes it’s conquered and sometimes not, but the battle against it is so incredibly hard, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It scares me so much that this person has kept this to themselves for as long as they have, but they don’t know that I know so there’s absolutely nothing I can do for them. The person who told me is the one I have to help, or comfort, or whatever the hell it is I need to do to make sure they’re ok.
I’m not sure how to help – when I was them I was a lot younger and while it was awful it was happening to 14 year old me, not 18 year old us, and so it was all a little bit different. It was scary and sad but not this, so I just feel very useless right now.
I hope that continuing to just be me around this person helps them, because I know normalcy is so important at times like this when everything seems so very up in the air.
To be honest, it’s all very shit but it’s going to be ok, it has to be. I am far too stubborn to let people I love get hurt, it’s just not gonna happen more than it has now.
I woke up before anyone else this morning and suddenly had the realisation, while considering ways to motivate myself, that out of all the people I could've been I was born as me. I could've been anyone else at all, or no one, but instead I was made as me. Doesn't that prove that I'm supposed to be here? For some reason instead of anyone else it was me that came into being at that particular point in time, and I don't know about you but I think that's pretty amazing – I'm here for a reason, we all are. Not one of us deserves any less than to be alive because we were born to live.
(Which reminds me… alive or just breathing?)
A-levels are over! Yay! No more school! Or revision! Time for Netflix! All day! Unlimited time to duvet-burrito! No need to get up! Or dressed! Or do anything at all!
And therein lies the problem. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Even though I did relatively little revision, by which I mean next to none, I still had a proper purpose and something to aim towards. Now, with no exams, I’ve found myself at the beginning of a slippery slope that’s started with bed and Netflix and the fridge. It’s great for a couple of hours but then I realised that I have two months of summer before uni that I need to fill, and no way can I do that with days spent in bed rather than actually doing things. I need to find a new purpose, one that means I’ll meet people and live rather just exist.
For a lot of the summer all my friends are away and they’re all away at the same time. I can’t lie, I’m worried; I don’t like being on my own, there’s too much I don’t want to think about (probably more on that in a different post). Therefore, I’ve got to find things to do that, at the very least, get me out of the house.
I’ve just got off the phone after crying to a friend, who’s already away, about this dreadful cliff I find myself standing on the edge of, and he suggested buying cheap train tickets and just going to places for a day. I like the sound of that – there’s a lot to see and you can go quite far in a day. He also reckons writing stuff into my calendar so there are little milestones and things to look forward to is a good way to go.
(Side note: he’s going to Costa Rica to help build a school, which was a trip organised by my school, but I missed a place by one person and to be quite honest I’m pretty gutted because that is exactly the sort of thing I want to do. I want to do something like that at some point but part of the allure of the trip was that it was still partially linked to my school, and so would’ve included people I already know, even if only through passing them in corridors.)
The long and the short of it is that I need to find things to do (in London, which you’d think would be easy) where I can meet people, and I need to get back to being ok on my own. Stress.