Getting It Together

The last few weeks have pretty much been made up of me trying to be positive, not just more positive but actually happy. The first few days after making the decision to Be Happy were fine, but then came the darker days where positivity seemed like a mask I could hide behind instead of confronting all the crap I’d pushed aside in order to Be Happy.

I’m moving out in just under two weeks, which is simultaneously really exciting but also absolutely terrifying and really sad. I’ve probably written about it before but I don’t get on with my mum, and recently it’s got a lot worse. I need to move out more than want to at this point, even though I’ve wanted to move out for years. I think now it’s actually happening the reality of what it means to leave home has hit me pretty hard, because it’s not like I’m moving out for the adventure of university and halls and that whole new life; I’ve got to go, which is shit. It’s particularly shit because I’ll no longer live 20 minutes away from everyone I know and want to spend time with. This time in 2 weeks I’ll be an hour away from them all, and it terrifies me that that’s going to be too far for them to want to travel so we just won’t see each other. I know, I know, that if we’re as close as I think then distance isn’t an issue, but an hour is a tricky amount of time – it’s close enough that you can easily say ‘it’s only an hour away’ but it’s also far enough that it’s just as easy to say ‘ugh, an hour?!’ and that’s what scares me most.

I’m not that worried about not seeing my friends, because I completely believe that they’ll see an hour as only an hour, but my boyfriend being of the second opinion does worry me, lots. It’s not that I doubt that I’ll see him, because he’s my boyfriend, of course I will. It’s just anxiety, but that doesn’t make it easier to push aside the worry. I hate that my anxiety is back (so strongly). I want it gone, I hate it. There’s always this thing in the back of my head that whispers that my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore, or that he’s falling out of love. It whispers that I annoy him, and that he deserves better, and that I’m unlovable completely. I’m trying so hard to try and quieten it, but it’s not working anymore.

I’ve somehow gone back to just sitting, with some tv show on in the background, for whole days. I just sit there and do nothing, and then it gets dark and I get into bed and just lie there, then just as I’m finally falling asleep, finally doing something, my mind wakes up and reminds me just how bad a person I am. Thing is, I know really deep down that I’m not a bad person, but knowing that doesn’t allow me to push aside the whispers because they’re so goddamn reasonable.

I’m so scared about moving out. I don’t want to move away, but then at the same time the only reason I’ve ever wanted to do uni is for the social aspect and the living in halls aspect. I feel like I’ve got to go, but I’m not convinced it’s the right thing. Obviously I can’t live at my mum’s anymore, and it’s not like there’s anywhere else to go so this is as good as I can hope for, just really scary.

Also I think my depression is coming back, so yay.

Just a thought

I woke up before anyone else this morning and suddenly had the realisation, while considering ways to motivate myself, that out of all the people I could've been I was born as me. I could've been anyone else at all, or no one, but instead I was made as me. Doesn't that prove that I'm supposed to be here? For some reason instead of anyone else it was me that came into being at that particular point in time, and I don't know about you but I think that's pretty amazing – I'm here for a reason, we all are. Not one of us deserves any less than to be alive because we were born to live.
(Which reminds me… alive or just breathing?)

Bit Of A Shambles Tbh

A-levels are over! Yay! No more school! Or revision! Time for Netflix! All day! Unlimited time to duvet-burrito! No need to get up! Or dressed! Or do anything at all!

And therein lies the problem. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Even though I did relatively little revision, by which I mean next to none, I still had a proper purpose and something to aim towards. Now, with no exams, I’ve found myself at the beginning of a slippery slope that’s started with bed and Netflix and the fridge. It’s great for a couple of hours but then I realised that I have two months of summer before uni that I need to fill, and no way can I do that with days spent in bed rather than actually doing things. I need to find a new purpose, one that means I’ll meet people and live rather just exist.

For a lot of the summer all my friends are away and they’re all away at the same time. I can’t lie, I’m worried; I don’t like being on my own, there’s too much I don’t want to think about (probably more on that in a different post). Therefore, I’ve got to find things to do that, at the very least, get me out of the house.

I’ve just got off the phone after crying to a friend, who’s already away, about this dreadful cliff I find myself standing on the edge of, and he suggested buying cheap train tickets and just going to places for a day. I like the sound of that – there’s a lot to see and you can go quite far in a day. He also reckons writing stuff into my calendar so there are little milestones and things to look forward to is a good way to go.

(Side note: he’s going to Costa Rica to help build a school, which was a trip organised by my school, but I missed a place by one person and to be quite honest I’m pretty gutted because that is exactly the sort of thing I want to do. I want to do something like that at some point but part of the allure of the trip was that it was still partially linked to my school, and so would’ve included people I already know, even if only through passing them in corridors.)

The long and the short of it is that I need to find things to do (in London, which you’d think would be easy) where I can meet people, and I need to get back to being ok on my own. Stress.

Terrified

First off, I’m writing this on my phone so I can’t promise perfect spelling or any of that. 

Secondly, I will hear from Central Saint Martins about whether or not I’ve got onto their foundation course on Wednesday. I have a ‘backup plan’ but in all honesty I don’t like it – my second choice is a college that does a UAL approved foundation course, so it’s good, but it’s not CSM. Obviously. 

So there’s the stress of not getting in, but then my boyfriend applied for the same course. Now, his art is amazing, not even from a biased view – it’s just flipping amazing. Incredible. Fantastic. Honestly, it’s unique and interesting and just so good

I want him to get into CSM so much, and I genuinely believe that he will. However, I want to get in too. Ideally we both would but this is not, and never has been, an ideal world. 

I’m so scared that he’s going to get in and I’m not, which I would hate to sound mean and selfish even though I know it does. The idea of not being with him and not seeing him every day like I pretty much do now, given that we go to the same school, absolutely petrifies me, and I mean petrifies – I just freeze up and see panic and it’s horrible. I love him so much and the thought of him going there and meeting someone amazing and arty and perfect is awful, but at the same time I want more than anything for him to be happy. I don’t actually, rationally, think he’d just up and leave me because I have far more trust in him than that, but irrationally my brain says otherwise and that argument is far louder in my head. 

Of course, him going there and me not could also result in us staying together and everything would be lovely. 

We could also both get in and be happy there together, or both get in and break up. 

Neither of us might get in and we could stay together or break up. 

I have no way of knowing what’s going to happen and that is horrible because it means that anything could. On the flip side, of course, that means endless possibilities but right now I’m stuck panicking over all these possible futures. 

I just think that, to me, is both going to CSM would mean us staying together, as if that black and white plan is a definite. 

I realise that all of this sounds a lot like CSM is important only so that we stay together, which is actually not true at all – it’s one of the absolute best art schools in the world and has the most amazing facilities. As well as that it attracts people from everywhere, and is essentially a concentrated melting pot of cultures and lives and that fascinates me. I love meeting people and they would all be there because they love art, something I love and always have loved. To get in there would be amazing. 

In all honesty, it’s the only thing in my life I’ve ever worked for – I winged my GCSEs and really my A-Levels aren’t looking too great right now either, although I am trying with them. I’ve always had this stupid mentality of ‘what happens happens because it’s the right thing’ which is bullshit because I think, with GCSEs, the right thing would’ve been for me to have worked and got grades that were good for me, not just ok ones that reflected well on the school. I could’ve done so much better. 

But with CSM… it’s art. It’s the thing I have always done and have always loved, forever. I’ve always had drawings stuck on my walls and photos stashed in boxes or blue-tacked to my windows, mirrors, doorframe… I love making things, and more specifically making things out of nothing – old bits of stuff I’ve found along the street or in skips or something that have become actual pieces of art. I love it, and to me CSM is an opportunity for my hobby to become something more and to maybe be recognised as something more by people who actually know. 

I’ve never worked for anything, but this. My portfolio was beautifully mounted and I love the sketchbooks I showed them. I can honestly say that I tried, and not only that but I gave it my all. 

If I don’t get in and he does, I will be so proud of him and pleased for him but I know that it will hurt me a huge amount, far too much for me to actually admit to, although I think that’s partly because I refuse to think on that pain long enough to really acknowledge how much of it there is. 

I don’t really know what I’ll do if I don’t get in, and for some reason that’s hit me particularly hard with a big ol’ wave of panic this morning. I think it’s partly because I don’t feel like I’m ready for my a-levels or to leave school and my home life isn’t great and everything has just got a bit much lately, and now there’s a few days until I know whether I’m in or not, and whether I am or not determines a lot of my foreseeable future. 

I really really hope I get in, and I hope he does too (and not for that selfish reason, but because he genuinely deserves it). I really really hope I do. For now, we wait. Agh!!! 

That Time Of Life

So I’ve been lying here for the last few hours staring at my phone screen waiting for my boyfriend to reply to my messages because he’s sad and isn’t ready to talk about it yet, so I’m worrying that he’s sad and worrying that I can’t help him.

I’ve also been lying here getting deeper and deeper into my Pit Of Despair, because I was talking to my ‘brother’ today about universities, because all of a sudden we’re nearly 18 and have to think about these very Grown Up things that I for one am not nearly as ready for as I thought.

He and I have never actually sat down and had a proper conversation about unis, other than a brief ‘oh I wanna go here’ months ago before any of it was really real. But now it all suddenly is, and so we had that conversation and he’s been accepted to all of his uni choices and none of them are here in London and suddenly it’s real that he’s moving away and won’t be close by anymore and suddenly we’re Growing Up and I am SO not ready for that because we’ve never lived more than 20 minutes away from each other and we’ve known each other since we were 2 months old.

So that was rather a scary thing to realise at lunch time, and then became scarier as the day went on because all of my friends are moving away for uni to and I’m just kinda sorta… here. I’ve applied to do an Art Foundation at CSM, and at a local college, and I’d love that, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to be left behind because, realistically speaking, I am well aware of the fact that my getting in would be the most amazing and unlikely stroke of luck out there, somewhat akin to being struck by lightning. 3 times.

I also can’t shake the feeling that I actually just want to be let loose and be free for a bit, travel and help people and do something meaningful.

But I am also well aware that I significantly lack the funds to do so. And the courage.

If I am being completely honest, I don’t know what I want to do. I know I don’t want to get left behind, and I know I don’t want to lose people, and I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend because I love him an absolutely ridiculous amount, and I didn’t realise it was possible to love someone as much as I do him and to lose that is a terrifying prospect.

My friends keep saying, when I talk to them about not knowing what I really want to do, that a) it’s normal to feel like this because it’s scary and b) I actually do know what I want to do in some way because I know what I love – art.

a) I know it’s normal, and I know it’s scary, and I know everyone feels like this.

b) I do love art, but in the end you can’t make a career out of it alone, and (again if I’m being completely honest) art is amazing but I genuinely do not believe that I have enough of it inside to make anything worth looking at or paying the remotest bit of attention to because one thing that studying art so far has taught me is that all of it is a copy of something else, and originality is basically all gone, and I want to make a difference and not just blend in to a mishmash of other things and people, even if blending in provides safety.

I don’t know, I just feel more than a little bit lost rn, and as much as I keep telling myself that that’s normal and what makes things interesting blah blah blah I’m actually shit-scared because I have no idea what’s going to happen next (and not in some romanticised ‘anything could happen’ way but more in an ‘holy hell anything could happen. help’ way).

So that’s that for now.