I woke up before anyone else this morning and suddenly had the realisation, while considering ways to motivate myself, that out of all the people I could've been I was born as me. I could've been anyone else at all, or no one, but instead I was made as me. Doesn't that prove that I'm supposed to be here? For some reason instead of anyone else it was me that came into being at that particular point in time, and I don't know about you but I think that's pretty amazing – I'm here for a reason, we all are. Not one of us deserves any less than to be alive because we were born to live.
(Which reminds me… alive or just breathing?)
A-levels are over! Yay! No more school! Or revision! Time for Netflix! All day! Unlimited time to duvet-burrito! No need to get up! Or dressed! Or do anything at all!
And therein lies the problem. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Even though I did relatively little revision, by which I mean next to none, I still had a proper purpose and something to aim towards. Now, with no exams, I’ve found myself at the beginning of a slippery slope that’s started with bed and Netflix and the fridge. It’s great for a couple of hours but then I realised that I have two months of summer before uni that I need to fill, and no way can I do that with days spent in bed rather than actually doing things. I need to find a new purpose, one that means I’ll meet people and live rather just exist.
For a lot of the summer all my friends are away and they’re all away at the same time. I can’t lie, I’m worried; I don’t like being on my own, there’s too much I don’t want to think about (probably more on that in a different post). Therefore, I’ve got to find things to do that, at the very least, get me out of the house.
I’ve just got off the phone after crying to a friend, who’s already away, about this dreadful cliff I find myself standing on the edge of, and he suggested buying cheap train tickets and just going to places for a day. I like the sound of that – there’s a lot to see and you can go quite far in a day. He also reckons writing stuff into my calendar so there are little milestones and things to look forward to is a good way to go.
(Side note: he’s going to Costa Rica to help build a school, which was a trip organised by my school, but I missed a place by one person and to be quite honest I’m pretty gutted because that is exactly the sort of thing I want to do. I want to do something like that at some point but part of the allure of the trip was that it was still partially linked to my school, and so would’ve included people I already know, even if only through passing them in corridors.)
The long and the short of it is that I need to find things to do (in London, which you’d think would be easy) where I can meet people, and I need to get back to being ok on my own. Stress.
So, awhile ago I began talking to Daniel, the homeless man at the end of my road. I asked him to take photos of things he saw, where he slept, and just general visual documentation of his life on the streets. He agreed, and I gave him a camera.
Now, a couple of weeks after that, the photos have been developed! I was so happy when he gave me back the camera, with no space for more photos but now, physically holding his life in my hands, I am beyond overjoyed.
The photos he took came out in the typical disposable camera style – slightly faded and very candid. I love that about them, and the quality only further emphasises the life captured in moments in these pictures. They’re so much more than I could ever have imagined, and each one has a distinct feeling attached to it, making each incredibly beautiful.
They hold an immense power, and are absolutely amazing – I am so ridiculously happy that Daniel agreed to help me with this project.
Now, I want to show him the developed pictures and ask if he minds if I display them in one of the two small window galleries nearby. If he agrees, I would like to try and sell duplicates and use the money to help him and the others in the homeless community – I don’t want prison to be a realistic ideal because it would allow them ‘a warm bed and a decent meal’, like Daniel once said it would be. I want to properly talk to him about what would help him, and use any money I potentially got from the photos to do just that.
This could be the start of something big, and I am so excited.