“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

– Kahlil Gibran

Am I naïve for thinking that this applies to me right now?

As I wrote a while ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. I knew I cared about him a huge amount, but never quite realised just how much until people asked how I was and I had to find a million and one different ways to reiterate ‘I’m fine’ and make it sound believable. I assume I did a good job of it because after a while people would nod and smile and say how pleased they were that I was taking it so well. I’d smile back and nod too, managing to keep up the façade long enough for them to genuinely believe that I really was as fine as I said I was.

On the outside I was openly fine about it all because we’d remained friends, and could laugh along with my friends about how bad the relationship had really been and I’d just been too infatuated to see that. The thing is, I really could see how the relationship had been, and it really hadn’t been all sunshine and roses because there were some really shitty bits. It just took that separation to realise that the shitty bits were me – my anxiety had morphed to became a lethal form of paranoia that, it turns out, was shared by my boyfriend.

We’ve had many a conversation since splitting up that has gone along the lines of ‘we’re so stupid, if only we’d said this stuff before’ and ended with ‘we can’t focus on the what ifs because we’ll drive ourselves mad’.

Anyway, having broken up and gone with the ‘I’m fine’ thing and the ‘it’s for the best anyway’ thing I realised, and properly acknowledged and accepted, that I really bloody love that boy. He’s ridiculous in all the right ways, adorable, funny, intelligent, an amazing artist, kind as anything and has possibly the most heartwarming smile on the planet. I know full well just how sappy that sounds, but in the absolutely cheesiest way possible… It’s true.

We’re friends now, strangely, because I honestly didn’t think we would be be. But lo and behold here we are, nearly two months later, probably closer even than we were before we got together. I love that.

We are also, agains strangely, acting almost as if we were back together. Effectively we are, in all but name. And that’s ok – it really is; I’m happy and so is he, and I think that’s the main thing. I never wanted a ‘friends with benefits’ situation, but in all honesty if that’s what works best for us then so be it; as long as I know he only does this stuff with me then that’s ok.

But we’re happy, actually happy, now. And that is amazing.

I’m not saying it’s some mutual romantic love and he ‘came back to me’ because of that, just that there must be something there, right? And whatever that something is, I hope it stays.

Dear Nina,

I mentioned in my previous post that I was looking through some old notes I made on my phone and I found a record of some messages that my best friend, who incidentally lives in a different country to me, sent me when I was going through a particularly rough patch.

I want to paraphrase them a little so that they are suitable for anyone and everyone who might need them, because they helped me and I believe that everyone deserves to be made to feel better when they’re having a bad day.

It’s okay.

I will always be here for you and I won’t be mad at you for hurting yourself. I just want to help you to get happier, so whenever you feel like hurting yourself you can always write to me. I will never be dissapointed if you hurt yourself again, because it happens, and sometimes you just break your Wall (the one you put up to try and keep the bad things away). I will always love you, no matter what you do to yourself. You will always be my best friend and I will always be there for you.

If you get sad over small things, I won’t laugh and make fun of you – I will cheer you up and try to help you. If you are scared, and if you feel your anxiety, I will try to calm you down and just help you in any and every way that I can. No matter what is making you sad or scared, I will help you (even if you are too scared to ask for small things, even a sachet of ketchup, I will ask for you). I will always help you and I want you to know that you can ask me anything.

You are my best friend and I find you so beautiful even with your scars. Your scars and past don’t define you as a person. It’s the way you treat others that defines you.

I want you to know that even if it’s 4am and you are feeling sad, call me or write to me! I will just apply cold water to my face and stay up until you are feeling better. I love you.

Please remember that I will always love you and you will always be the same amazing girl that I call my best friend.

No matter what you do and no matter how much you hurt yourself, you will always be you in my eyes.

I am not mad at you for hurting yourself and I will not be dissapointed at you for hurting yourself.

I will always love you. Please remember that.

I know that her message was personal to me and fitted my situation, but I think that most of it could be applied to any situation where someone feels bad.

I also want to add that if anyone is reading this and is in need of someone to talk to then comment on this post and I will find a way to get into contact with you, whatever the time, because no one should feel like they have no one.