The last few weeks have pretty much been made up of me trying to be positive, not just more positive but actually happy. The first few days after making the decision to Be Happy were fine, but then came the darker days where positivity seemed like a mask I could hide behind instead of confronting all the crap I’d pushed aside in order to Be Happy.
I’m moving out in just under two weeks, which is simultaneously really exciting but also absolutely terrifying and really sad. I’ve probably written about it before but I don’t get on with my mum, and recently it’s got a lot worse. I need to move out more than want to at this point, even though I’ve wanted to move out for years. I think now it’s actually happening the reality of what it means to leave home has hit me pretty hard, because it’s not like I’m moving out for the adventure of university and halls and that whole new life; I’ve got to go, which is shit. It’s particularly shit because I’ll no longer live 20 minutes away from everyone I know and want to spend time with. This time in 2 weeks I’ll be an hour away from them all, and it terrifies me that that’s going to be too far for them to want to travel so we just won’t see each other. I know, I know, that if we’re as close as I think then distance isn’t an issue, but an hour is a tricky amount of time – it’s close enough that you can easily say ‘it’s only an hour away’ but it’s also far enough that it’s just as easy to say ‘ugh, an hour?!’ and that’s what scares me most.
I’m not that worried about not seeing my friends, because I completely believe that they’ll see an hour as only an hour, but my boyfriend being of the second opinion does worry me, lots. It’s not that I doubt that I’ll see him, because he’s my boyfriend, of course I will. It’s just anxiety, but that doesn’t make it easier to push aside the worry. I hate that my anxiety is back (so strongly). I want it gone, I hate it. There’s always this thing in the back of my head that whispers that my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore, or that he’s falling out of love. It whispers that I annoy him, and that he deserves better, and that I’m unlovable completely. I’m trying so hard to try and quieten it, but it’s not working anymore.
I’ve somehow gone back to just sitting, with some tv show on in the background, for whole days. I just sit there and do nothing, and then it gets dark and I get into bed and just lie there, then just as I’m finally falling asleep, finally doing something, my mind wakes up and reminds me just how bad a person I am. Thing is, I know really deep down that I’m not a bad person, but knowing that doesn’t allow me to push aside the whispers because they’re so goddamn reasonable.
I’m so scared about moving out. I don’t want to move away, but then at the same time the only reason I’ve ever wanted to do uni is for the social aspect and the living in halls aspect. I feel like I’ve got to go, but I’m not convinced it’s the right thing. Obviously I can’t live at my mum’s anymore, and it’s not like there’s anywhere else to go so this is as good as I can hope for, just really scary.
Also I think my depression is coming back, so yay.